8: How to treat advice like the bullshit it mostly is

‘So, tell me what your problem is and I’ll tell you what I think…’

‘How’s Tinder going?’

This was from Ray.

‘Not really all that great, mate,’ I said, ‘I’ve only had one conversation and that was a bit fucked up.’

‘How, like?’

‘Well, she was just talking about banging and stuff. It wasn’t really a conversation. It was more like she just wanted to do a Tinder Wank, and I happened to be there.’

‘A Tinder Wank?’

A Tinder Wank, I have since found, is something I can’t find any information on, so it appears I have made it up, but it seems to fit the explanation. It, to me, is a way of gratifying a sexual fantasy via the internet. This can be done by finding some unfortunate sap online, setting them up with a conversation about sex, and getting yourself off while they wonder what the fuck is going on.

It’s like sex with a total stranger which, well, yes, I have found loads of information about that, mainly that it is one of women’s biggest fantasies.

See, the phrase fits the explanation, though women will not call it ‘wanking’. They use other words like ‘masturbation’ or ‘frigging’, and don’t seem to have the plethora of euphemisms that men employ. It’s almost like women’s masturbation is classier than men’s.

Hm.

Yes, I kind of get that one.

…and while I’m on about it… sharp nails versus female masturbation, anyone?

…and while I’m still on about it, check this out about wanking for men from the olden days:

Dead at 17: ‘the fatal consequences of masturbation’ – a handy guide from 1830’

‘It is what it sounds like.’ I said.

‘Aye, okay,’ Ray said, ‘so you’ve been a victim of a Tinder Wanker?’

‘Ha, yes, I guess so.’

‘You should come out with me, mate. Forget that Tinder crap, and get face to face. At least you know what you’re getting pretty much immediately.’

‘Yeah, I guess so. I sort of forgot that people aren’t what they seem to be.’

‘What. Fifty years on this earth and you’ve just realised that?’

‘No, I said I forgot about that.’

‘If you’re stuck, you could come out with me instead.’

This was from Richard. Remember, Richard? My gay cleaner? I forgot he was there, and like all cleaners (all people, I guess), they hear everything within about ten feet of them.

‘Thanks, Dick, and I know things might look bad for me, but I haven’t quite got to the stage of turning gay yet.’

‘Shut up, man. What you talking about? Have you seen how many women friends I have? They love me, man. Just come with me and don’t tell anyone you’re gay or straight. Just don’t tell them anything.’

That last bit, don’t tell anybody anything. Yes, I could live with that, though it’s not the best advice to follow for someone writing a blog.

I don’t know what has happened. Everyone seems to have an opinion these days. I mean, I know everyone has always had an opinion, but it seems to me that nowadays you can get away with a lot more, or a lot less, depending on the context you are in.

I am blaming the internet for this.

It seems to me there are two levels of political correctness.

The first is the society level.

These are the Twitterati, the media, the celebrities, politicians, and all-round obsessive do-gooders of the world, who seem to have taken it upon themselves to tell everybody else how to behave, not realising they have been hugely influenced themselves by all the other sources of bullshit that ride the ether.

The other level, and altogether most acceptable level to me, is the real-life level.

This is how people actually behave.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all been in a room with workmates, or friends, or family, and somebody has made a joke about race, or sex, or any other apparently socially taboo subject, and everyone there laughs.

You post the same thing on the internet, though, and my word, how dare you? You are attacked from all sides by people telling you how unacceptable the joke is. And these people – they have done the same thing as you in the past and will do the same thing in the future.

‘You have to apologise for what you have said.’

‘Fuck off.’

It’s all bullshit and hypocrisy, and it’s all around us, and I’m done with it.

The public doesn’t have to hide away any more. The internet is allowing people to vent their honest feelings, and I see it happening everywhere. This is where Brexit and Donald Trump have come from and where other countries leaders will spring from too.

So this means, who the hell do you listen to? Do you listen to the advice from people who are trying to ‘do the right thing’ by society rules, or do you listen to those who are ‘just being honest’?

Or, do you just do what you think is the right thing, and stuff them all?

Sorry, I seem to have gotten a bit ‘ranty’ in this post.

I have a feeling, though, there is more to come.

Catch you later – am going for a lie-down.

@andyculyer

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