7: My first conversation on Tinder

The veneer enhances the wood…

Okay, okay, I got the message. I wrote a blog post about profiles and didn’t mention pictures.

Hm.

I did research this as well, and found some unusual tips which I’ve used, they being; have a picture where you’re smiling, have one where you’re doing an activity, and have one where you’re with a beautiful woman, and she looks happy.

That last one is meant to show ‘social proof’, which is a sales term. That is, if a woman sees you with another woman and that other woman looks happy to be with you, then you must be okay, and the new woman will want to be with you as well. Oh, and don’t have pictures where nobody knows which one you are (swipers will assume you’re the ugly one).

Women, for all their glories, have some faults as well (before you get on that high horse and media-shame me, us men have plenty of faults, too), and one of them is when they see a man with another woman, they don’t (like a man does) think they would like to get someone similar; they think ‘I want that man’. I think it’s been proven somewhere that women aren’t all that keen on single men, because if the man is single, there must be something wrong with him. They want men who are attached, because they are already validated as being decent and partner-worthy, not to mention the idea that men in relationships are forbidden, and everybody wants what they can’t have.

Those who have been following my posts will understand that my knowledge of the female mind is somewhat limited, though I do know a few things just from life experience, and one of them is, a woman will stop at nothing, even alienating her friends, if there’s a man she wants. The cat wants the cream which, I guess, is an unfortunate phrase to use when talking about women and dating.

So, to get back to the point, I put the pictures on my profile, and the main profile picture is in black and white, not in colour. I think pictures always look better in black and white – it’s got something to do with being cool and classy, but also, it hides a lot of blemishes, so I was now ready for the influx of women beating at my virtual door, ready to talk to the new kid on the block.

I matched with quite a few women before I even did the profile properly, so now I had upgraded it, went about the business of right-swiping as many as possible, and spent about an hour going through all the faces available, but what was this?

I ran out of likes.

WTF?

So I had to wait a couple of days, then when I was back on, I only got five faces to see before I got the message, ‘There’s no one new around you.’

Eh? And when I say ‘Eh?’, what I mean is, ‘EH?!?’

I thought this was meant to be a free app, with unlimited access to thousands of women in my area? How can it ‘run out’ of people?

I live in Tynemouth, and with a 50 km radius, which includes Newcastle, Sunderland, and Middlesbrough, we’re talking here about two million people, which, removing men and children, leaves about half a million women, aged between eighteen and forty (more on that in a later post. It sounds creepy, I know, but, well… just, more on that later. All I’ll say for now is, it turns out women like older men. Who knew?).

So it took a week to get my strategy down, that being, don’t spend much time swiping, and only swipe on the ones you like, which has cut down my matches considerably, but at the same time, has meant I get to have only a few conversations.

Yes, readers, conversations, or I should say, conversation (singular).

I matched with ten women, and armed with the knowledge that I should at least say hello to them, I did, and one of them replied, so here, in all its glory, is the first conversation I ever had on Tinder. It was with a twenty-five-year-old called Laura (the comments in brackets are not part of the conversation, merely what I was actually thinking at the time):

‘Hey, Laura, you know what…?’

‘What?’

‘Curiosity always gets the better of people’

‘Ha. I like that. What are you curious about?’ (I wasn’t. I was just trying to be big and clever.)

‘Why your age settings are so high?’

‘What can I say? I like older men, and you look hot xx’ (what’s with the kisses, though? It’s only the third line she’s said)

‘Thanks. What is it you like about older men?’

‘I don’t know, they’re just more experienced’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah, they know what to do in the bedroom’ (What? We’re like ten lines in, and she’s got to the bedroom talk already.)

‘Yeah, we know how to do a lot of stuff’

(The conversation was paused for about three hours – no idea why).

‘Hey, there’ (from her.)

‘Hey. Where’d you go?’

‘Did you miss me?’

‘Yes, I’ve been pining for you’

‘Oh? You’ve been thinking about me?’

‘A little’

‘What about?’

‘Just stuff’

‘About what you’d like to do to me?’

‘A little’

‘What like?’

‘I was thinking what it would be like to go shopping in Ikea with you’

‘Ha I doubt that’

‘What did you think I was thinking about?’

‘About banging me’ (Her parents must be very proud.)

‘Er, I was, yes’

‘Tell me what you’d like to do to me’

‘I’d rather do it than talk about it’

There was a pause for about an hour, then when I went back on, I had been unmatched. I have no idea why. I know women are fickle souls, but it seemed to me that when I didn’t describe what I wanted to do to her, she got pissed off and left. I am new to all this stuff, so if anybody can tell me where I went wrong, I’m all ears.

So that was it, my first ever conversation with a woman along my new (and now I realise even more, long) journey. A psychologist would have a few things to say, I’m sure, and saying as how I’m not one of those, I’m guessing that since the last time I was in the dating game, nearly thirty years ago, things have certainly changed.

@andyculyer

My books on Amazon