There is nothing like writing about yourself to find out who you really are…
When you’re a clever person, like me, one thing you’re good at is research, which means trawling the internet. When you’re a stupid person, like me, another thing you’re good at is trawling the internet aimlessly.
I find it incredibly easy to start research with good intentions, then end up on a website nowhere near what I was looking for to start with, and this is what happened when I started researching how to write a good dating profile.
I mean, how you can start searching for that and end up looking at images of Jessica Alba, probably the most out-of-my-league woman you could possibly imagine? Well, her and Kate Beckinsale, and Kate got a search as well.
It happened because, when you start looking for internet dating sites, random pictures and ads appear all over the screen. ‘Young Russian brides looking for you’, ‘there’s a match for everyone’, and even ads that just say ‘single?’ I find it helpful to not be insecure and click on everything that comes up, but still, it ignites fantasy in your head, and before you know it, you’re doing a Google search for ‘Jessica Alba hot’, and ‘Kate Beckinsale 2016’, and you stay there for a while, until reality kicks in again, and you remember you have to write a blog post about online dating profiles for beginners.
The only way I can find other people’s profile descriptions is to look on women’s Tinder profiles. If I wanted to find out what men’s profiles are like, I had to register on Tinder as a woman, and reader, I just couldn’t do it. You can try and be as open about it as you like, but the nasty truth is, I just plain don’t like looking at pictures of men, and from comments I’ve seen elsewhere, these men aren’t always dressed either.
So, I went onto Google to find dating profile examples for men, and as you may or may not know, the internet will give you a 50/50 split of doing something one way, and also doing it another way. It was all a bit of a mess, but if there’s one thing I like about trying new things, it’s the experimenting part, and with the knowledge that you only really properly learn from doing, not reading, I put my profile together.
Now, writing an internet dating profile is a bit like writing a c.v. for a job, only quirkier.
In a c.v., you put a quick overview of yourself, then you put your qualifications and experience, then your pastimes…so far, so blah blah blah. In a dating profile, it is very similar. You put in a bit about yourself, what you do with your time, and what you can offer. You’re qualifying yourself as a potential candidate, and essentially saying ‘look at me; I am not a homicidal maniac. Don’t worry, you’ll be okay with me’.
Then, a tricky bit – how to come across as not eager, or desperate; how to be nonchalant even, like, ‘Yeah, I don’t really care, just doing this for fun’ (yeah, right, mate. You do things like hang with your friends for fun, or do paragliding, or play sports. You don’t spend hours aching over the right things to say in a profile. Tell the truth, mate, you’re doing this because you want to get shagging again (am not putting this in the profile)).
I also have to make myself interesting to others. A woman wants someone to take her on an adventure, not sip wine or cocktails in a local bar doing small talk, pretend-laughing at someone’s crap jokes and wonder why they spent all that time dressing up to have their night wasted by some frightful dullard. They want to know you have passion, and depth, and honesty, and are genuine, and thoughtful, and protective, but at the same time, are wondering if you can throw them around the bedroom in a fit of total dominance, and want to test you constantly to see if you really are the man you appear to be. I mean, who wants a lame duck, right? Nobody (except, I guess, a lame drake – there’s someone for everybody, so I hear).
So, in a nutshell, you just to have to be perfect in every way.
And the profile has to have something funny in it. Everybody, not just women, has and likes a good sense of humour. In the olden days, this was abbreviated to GSOH, which can also mean Good Salary, Own Home, which, to me, is a blatant attempt to woo ladies by offering them a good life, which, also to me, is like a bastardized form of prostitution – you may as well just say, ‘man here, all mod cons’.
So you have to put something stupid or funny in your profile. They also want someone to be different, to stand out (being 6 feet 10 more than covers this part), and they want to go on ‘an adventure’. I have no fkg idea what this means – there aren’t many Indiana Jones’ or James Bonds about, so am hoping this is really related to just not being the same old shit man they meet every day.
So here it is, my very first online dating profile:
‘Hey, there! Walter here…6 feet 10, book shop owner, member of an alcohol abuse display team on the weekends, looking for similar (not 6 feet 10, though), for fun, and for deep conversations. I’ve been told I’m a good listener, but only because I can’t usually get a word in edgeways.
I like listening to Elton John and movie themes, and if you look anything like Kate Beckinsale or Jessica Alba, you’re in.’
Form a queue, ladies…