4: How to get stuck in a rut…I mean, plateau (part three)

A wise man, etc… (can’t wait to finish this part, so I can put a new introduction in)

So, then, something to look forward to…

This is the bit where I struggle.

In my life, I’ve had a good job, been married, had kids, own my own shop, been to a few places all over the world, and when I think now to what I look forward to, I think of….well, nothing.

It feels like, all the things I had to look forward to, they’ve all passed and are now memories. At a push, I could say that the future holds my kids weddings, having grandkids, retirement, but they’re not things to look forward to, they’re just a part of life that inevitably happen. Future holidays? What? There’s nowhere I can think of where I feel like ‘yes, I must go there before I die.’

So in this short series of ‘How to get stuck in a rut’ blogs, this is the ‘rut’ part.

Maybe even the mid-life crisis part, but don’t worry, I have no feelings of getting a sports car, a ponytail, and a leather jacket that I push the sleeves up to my elbows. It’s more a feeling of ‘what’s left to do’?

And I think it’s been adding to that general feeling of ‘should I start dating again’?

At least that would give me a new purpose, I guess, and hey, something to look forward to, even if the first time I go dating it will be full of angst and nervousness.

When I really sit down and think about it, looking forward to things is really looking forward to seeing familiar people again. I enjoy nights out for this reason, and when I don’t have the kids for a few days, I am happy to see them again when they come back. It’s like, when you see the same people all the time, you don’t really look forward to seeing them – they’re just there, all the time.

I wonder if I will date this way?

I am fifty years old, and therefore have a pretty solid take on how I want to live my life, and one thing (I think) I know before I set off on the dating lottery, is that I do not want a relationship where I see the person all the time.

This is because if I have a new relationship, I want to look forward to seeing them, every time I see them, and I want them to feel the same about me. I do not want things to go stale, or complacent or, dare I say it, boring.

There’s a kind of greater enjoyment in not seeing someone all the time. This is also why, when I see couples (seemingly everywhere I look now I’m thinking about the dating game), they’re mostly just sitting there, not talking, just being, not really enjoying each other’s company, merely tolerating it, because the alternative is to be on your own and have to go through all the crap I’m about to go through.

Even their small talk is bland shit. They just don’t know what to say to each other any more. It’s dead, gone, done, and I DO NOT WANT THAT (I haven’t written a dating profile yet – I’m guessing I won’t put that line in).

And this is because they are doing what society has told them to do.

Grow up, get a job, get a partner, get married, have kids, look after them, see them disappear, retire, die…

…don’t get divorced – you have made a commitment and you have to stick to it because ‘society’ has said you have to, stay together because the grass isn’t greener, put up with the others’ faults and call it familiarity – ‘oh, that’s just their way’ and, ultimately, have a small, sneaky feeling of relief when they die, but don’t tell anyone because ‘society’ has dictated this is not allowed, but then miss their familiarity, miss the feeling of just having someone else there, even if you didn’t necessarily like them all that much any more…

Wow, I have certainly overdone my scorn towards married life, or even just relationships. That is some lucky lady that’s eventually going to end up with me.

And who am I anyway? I have lived two-thirds of a life so far, and not really lived for any of it, and if people want to live that life I have just described then, really, good luck to them if it makes them happy. It’s just not what I want for mine.

The only relationships that work are the ones where the woman is in control. Yeah. I get that.

Did I mention?

I. Do. Not. Want. That.

This, of course, is my view as I sit from where I am now. I have no idea what is going to happen.

So then, the Tinder app is downloaded onto my phone, as yet untouched, and its icon, every time I see it on the screen, entices me, calls me in to its world of new adventures, experiences, and feelings.

I’d better get on with it…


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Author: Andrew Culyer

For good or bad, am just trying to get through this...

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